First Page Blogfest
This blogfest, hosted by Kelly Lyman, appears to be a popular one! Lots of fellow bloggers signed up to post their first page.
I've blogged before about how many times I've changed my opening. This is my current (and most likely to go out to the trenches) first page. Genre: romantic suspense.
*snip removed by blog owner*
I've blogged before about how many times I've changed my opening. This is my current (and most likely to go out to the trenches) first page. Genre: romantic suspense.
*snip removed by blog owner*
Comments
the hook up front and the one down bottom. double zinger.
Sarajayne - Notice I agreed with your suggestion, too ;)
Laurel - The other worrisome thing is voice - yea! I'm thrilled to hear that :) Especially since I didn't think there was any voice until the next Thing that Happens in th park!
Great job!
Yeah, I'm feeling creeped out by him; and I'm liking the cliff hanger about the parents.
I've gotten a real sense of your MC and the setting here. Nice job.
.........dhole
Awesome job! Perfect level of suspense to build up to that hook.
Summer, I know - I can't figure out how to add space below the last line. I always enter 3 times after typing it. It's driven me nuts since I started blogging - along with the same problem above the 1st line!
Visit My Kingdom Anytime!
Laura - I see what you're saying, but I think the 2nd half of this scene would clear things up a good bit as to why it's in this order, and certain things are mentioned this way ;) Her parents vanishing, and the circumstances around it, is the reason for her paranoia. And the guy she thinks is stalking her here is nothing comapred to the one she, literally, runs into on the next page...
I'm hoping the guy in the red hoodie is really a nice guy who is going to help her.
To add space below your text go into you html editor (does blogger let you edit html) and add < BR > for every line you want to add. Only take out the space in front of the B and the space after the R.
Jai
Thank you for the kind words about my own first page and my first line.
Have a healing weekend, Roland
I'm hooked wondering if she's trying to solve her parents disappearance, fearful of her own safety, or something else. Good job!
Nice!!
Also, thank you for your feedback, and feel free to join me in my Last Line Blogfest - details on my site.
Happy Easter, luv.
~Lola
Also, you have a prize on my blog. Can't tell you what it is - you'll have to swing by and pick it up. :-)
I was confused because you use "track" and "path" which to me are two different things.
I'm not sure the "body chilled" works for me...that's really hard to do. Maybe she speeds up?
I know that when I run, I try to get in a "zone" where I lose touch with my surroundings. I'm thinking that seeing someone suspicious would drop me out of that zone, impact my breathing, pace, and heart rate. Consider having her check her heart rate monitor and it shoots up or something.
And I don't think I've ever seen a jogger giggle. It's really hard to do actually if you're working.
But the story part is good...I definitely want to know what happened to her parents. My gut is telling me that the man in red isn't a bad guy but he's a Herald of some kind, and he's going to deliver her some interesting news...
Nice job!
If you're ever interested in getting a critique of the full chapter, I belong to a group called, www.chimeracritiques.com We accept submissions for critique--that's how I know Kelly--because I got to critique her first chapter, which was awesome.
It's a lot of fun to see what other people are working on and we all think it builds our own writing skills to critique a lot.
Anyway, just thought I'd offer. I'm Callie by the way, I write YA. :) Nice to "meet" you.